There comes a point in your life when everything sucks. Everything. Your job, your living situation, your love life, home life and your self esteem. Your self-worth is down the toilet and you feel like absolute shit. The guy you love has been with another woman who, naturally, you hate. The job you loved came crashing down around you because you’re an idiot. The home you loved is full of someone else’s things. All in all, it’s an awful time in your life. Everyone says “get over it” or “snap out of it” but it’s not that fucking easy. It’s so hard to move on when the best is behind you…but it’s not. The future is crazy. The future is hopeful. You do have to “snap out of it” and realize that you just have to keep on living. Living is all we CAN do in this crazy, fucked up world we are in..and we’re all in it together. If you’re lucky, a better job will come, a better apartment…and if you’re REALLY lucky, you’ll get another chance with the man you have never stopped loving.
I loved him. Every fiber of my being was consumed by him. It wasn’t just his smile, his adorable laugh, his athleticism- it was his kind soul. The type of soul that wanted only the best for me and for everyone else he cared so deeply about. He was obsessed with making me the happiest girl in the world. Then it happened. I made a million mistakes. I took his love for granted. I was selfish. I was wrong. I didn’t want to share him. I was the kid at school who wanted the special toy for herself and therefore, ignored and shunned anyone else who wanted to play with it. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could take his pain away more than my own. I want to hold him when he’s sad, laugh with him when he’s happy, celebrate with him when he achieves his many goals. He is worth so much more than even he will ever realize. He is so special to not only me, but his friends, his family and his “mini-me” daughter(they are the same amazing soul, with the same button nose and goofy sense of humor). He makes everyone feel at ease. His smile is inviting and he captivated my heart faster than rain falls from the sky. I love him and I know he loves me, too. I am too flawed to deserve him but he let me have him for a long time anyway. He deserves a queen, not a court jester. One day I will repay the universe for giving me the best two years of my life, but until then I will sit and watch as he conquers his own demons and takes over the world. And let me tell you, I am so thankful that I got to have him for as long as I did and I am so proud of the man I was smart enough to have but not good enough to keep. In the words of the late Whitney (they could not be more fitting, thank God for music that says what the heart feels) “I will always love you.”
He’d never hurt me. He’d never do me wrong. He’d never touch another girl. He’d never bring another girl home. These are the things we tell ourselves when we are in love. Well, my world came crashing down when I, stupidly, looked through my boyfriends emails. He had not only committed adultery, he had done in on film in our bed. My mind raced. My heart fell. I felt like I could die right then and there. How could this man, this man that I gave my heart to, hurt me in the worst way possible? This *profanity* girl, with her slutty tramp stamp across her back, had taken my bed and made it into hers. I felt like i didn’t belong in my own home. I forgave him. I forgave him because I, too, had cheated. He had done this because I had driven him to it. I hated myself…but I don’t anymore. Life happens. People hurt you. But it’s the way you handle it that makes you different. No amount of alcohol, crying, or sex can make you forget the feeling of knowing your guy strayed…and also the vivid image replaying through your mind. Your life is no one else’s, it’s yours. I forgave him but I will never forget. Every night when he lies snoring, I cry, and remember that not too long ago he laid another girl. But I’m strong. I’m fine. I’m just jaded.
You hear about it in movies, in books…maybe even in those mega cheesy perfume commercials, but did you know that there are still men out there that can really do it. At first we were strictly platonic- just a couple friends driving back and forth from work. Then one day, while telling a story, he grabbed my hand…and it lingered. My heart skipped a couple beats, I could feel my blood beginning to rush and I went home only to realize that this man hadn’t only grabbed my hand, he’d grabbed my heart along with it. The rest was a whirlwind, this unbelievable rush that even I couldn’t get a hold on. He consumed every part of me. He knew my past and grew to respect me for the woman I became because of it. I learned about him- how he rose from the ashes and became the man of my dreams in the process. Our first kiss was magic, sparks could have flown and I wouldn’t have even noticed because all I could see were his eyes, those beautiful eyes, staring back into mine. He makes me feel like nothing can touch me, like no one can hurt me- his love is what gives me hope that yesterday can be forgotten and the future will exceed our expectations. He swept me away in a way that no one ever has before. His heart, his smile, his touch, the way he laughs at my laugh, the way he looks at me while I get ready in the morning, the way his neck smells when I lay across his chest. I could go on for hours and hours about all the things I fell in love with, but in the end, I just know that God put him in my path for a reason. Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me, I’m not the prettiest, the smartest, the most talented, the funniest…but he makes me feel loved, like no one has ever loved me before. I wish I could make him realize the impact he’s had on my life, he took a broken girl and made her whole. He fell for someone with a world of problems but only saw the solutions that I couldn’t. He’s mine, and I’m his. And nothing has ever made me happier.
It’s all been said before, excessive drinking is very bad. I hate when my friends say how opposed to drugs they are, yet go out and get absolutely obliterated. It’s totally lame..just as lame as excessive consumption of the devil’s juice. I know what you’re thinking, this chick doesn’t drink…on the contrary, my dear, homegirl drinks…just has learned how not to be a damn fool while doing so. So, in your face, loser. Now, please excuse me while I sip on my bottle of wine and continue to make a list of crap that really bugs me…:)
Life is crazy, fun, interesting, invigorating, dark, scary and lonely. I’ve been at some of my highest points and some of my lowest in the past year. Where did it all go wrong? When did I get to this place? It’s an answer I may never find, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? No great story is about how someone fell apart, it’s about how they put all the pieces together again. I’ve lived a lie for a long time. It’s exhausting, but it’s taught me that a truthful existence is far more stress-free than one made up of a tangled web. I’m on a new path…but I still can’t help but wonder. Was it New York that got me? Was it my 20s? Was it just me? From love to lust and everything it between. this city has kicked my ass and I’m ok with saying goodbye for a little bit. I’m heading off to make new memories, with new people, in a whole new place where I can be me and get back on track. I miss waking up and running in the park- now it takes all my strength to even shower. So, is this the bottom? It sure is mine and I’m starting to see how wonderful the climb will be.
There are times when the world seems so small it could collapse right before my eyes. But the world isn’t small at all, maybe it’s just my world that is. I’ve been in love, I’ve been in lust, I’ve been rich, I’ve been poor…at the end of the day though, I have always been happy. Sure, I bitch and moan with the best of ’em but what are the good times worth without the bad? This picture is from back home; living in my parent’s house with a warm bed and an abundance of love. Some days I wish I could turn back time and relive those special, precious moments. I’m blessed to have two healthy and incredibly supportive parents, but I miss them. Being so far away makes me feel so lost sometimes. I would kill for a hug and a smile from them both. The reassurance they give me is unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. How do parents do this? I empathize so dearly with those who have no parents, or one parent, or even one or two parents who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about them. I would surely not be the woman I am today without my father’s stern but loving grip and my mother’s advice and undying support. I wish that anyone who was not so fortunate could have what I have. That’s why I’m starting a campaign. It’s called, ” Family Love” and it is a monthly family field day to raise money for adoption centers so that loving, willing parents can adopt children who have nowhere to go. If you are interested in donating, helping or you just want more information please e-mail me at the address: firstname.lastname@example.org. YOUR support could change lives…forever. The field day is taking place in Central Park at the end of the month, so if you live or frequent the NY area PLEASE come show your support. Even a dollar could help.